Me, Me, ME

"Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation- that by grace we are saved, that the Tremendous Lover has taken to  the chase- our spirituality often starts with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response.  We talk about aquiring virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained, like good handwriting or a well-grooved golf swing.  In the penitential seasons we focus on overcoming our weakness, getting rid of our hang ups and reaching Christian maturity. We sweat through various spiritual exercises as if they were designed to produce a Christian CHarles Atlas. Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if only personal discipline and self-denial will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than was God is doing. In this curious process, God is a benign old spectator in the bleachers who cheers when I show up for morning quiet time....We believe we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps-indeed, we can do it ourselves." Brennan Manning

Um wow.
Legalism: noun

1. strict adherence, or the principle of strict adherence, to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit.

2. Theology .

a. the doctrine that salvation is gained through good works.

I'm not writing to get a debate started about legalism. I don't know much about it, but it seems pretty straight forward. People try to earn their way into salvation. This passage screams legalism to me. How, proclaim as we may, this grace so Amazing, we still strive to do it on our own.  We cross our fingers hoping that if we do this enough or don't do that, then maybe, in the end we'll attain the perfection necessary for the Kingdom.  Thus, completely nullifying the utterly incomprehensible act of grace.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and not by your works, it is a GIFT from God, so that no one can boast. -paraphrasing Ephesians 2:8

Yes, works are important, as a Christan we are called to humble ourselves, to serve God and his children, out of passion and love, however we cannot do this on our own.  I have read this verse countless times and today what stuck out to me was this "so that no one can boast." Our works won't save us, there is nothing we can do to claim "I lived right, so I made it to Heaven." We can never obtain perfection on our own, and we get caught in the lie that we can. That this grace is a nice thought, but it can't really be all that's required. And how exhausting to live like that?

I could go on about grace verses works, but my real point today was this quote that smacked me upside the head this morning. "The emphasis is on what I do rather than was God is doing." Wow. As I pondered that, I thought, how do we switch the focus off of us and onto God?  We are egocentric by nature, how do we shift from "me, me, me," what "I'm doing" to what God is doing?  And in light of recent events...maybe even add what we think He isn't doing, to the reality of what He is doing. The only thing I could come up with was to actively think about and list how I know He is working.  When we take time to remember our blessings, to take a look around, it might not be personal growth, but He is moving in our nation, in our colleges, in our loved ones, our churches.  Maybe we start to accept grace and understand it when we once again change our perspective.  To clear our "me" colored lenses and focus them on the God of the Universe. I think we'll find He is still a God of wonder, a God of action.

And He is probably a lot closer than you think.

The Grief Anticipation Virus

I struggle with doubt.  Not the kind of doubt that God is unable to perform miracles, but the kind of doubt that wishpers "He can, but He won't." I often feel like the father who cried out to Jesus "Help my unbelief!" Secretly hoping that this will blanket my impending doubt that God will act.  How silly of me to think that I can hide my feelings from the one who created them in the first place!

I know why I struggle with doubt.  I have fallen on my face, bled my heart out before God, begging him to heal my brother...and no answer comes.  I have fallen on my face in deserpation for a child, to only have that gift be snatched away.  I have countlessly cried out to our maker for family members to be restored, for relationships to be mended, for the healing of many...and yet I often feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears.  Maybe not so much deaf ears, but ears that continually answer "no." I think, if I pray enough, if I do devotions enough... if I ....enough... or maybe it's me..something is wrong with me..my past..my selfishness...and so God won't answer.

I recently had coffee with a friend and she metioned struggling with living in a state of "grief anticipation." Maybe that is the name for my current condition.  Just as Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to salivate at the sound of a bell, I too have become conditioned in my own way- to anticipate disappointment. 

I anticiapte disappointment to the point that I find myself unable to truly experience real joy when it comes along.  For weeks I have been haboring exciting news... almost a year after losing our baby, I can happily proclaim that I am almost 15weeks pregnant!  I have been waiting for the right moment to share the extreme elation I had over this answer to prayer, and yet I just never felt the moment would come.  I have been much more reserved this time around, so much so, that I almost wanted to keep it a secret until it was too obvious to hide.  If I revealed this precious treasure...I would wake up and it would be gone.  Even now, after successfully making it through the first trimester,  I still cling to the hope of that next appointment..that next evidence that yes..baby is real. 

I know I have a problem, and I'm mentally exhausted from living in this bondage.  I recently read an insightful section of Brenan Mannings "The Ragamuffin Gospel" that I would like to share. 

^{In Matthew 18:2-4 Jesus is among his disciples and ...
2} He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Manning goes on to say:
"The child is unself-concious, incapable of pretense. The child doesn't have to struggle to get himself in a good position for having a relationship with God; he doesn't have to craft ingenious ways of explaining his position to Jesus; he doesn't have to create a pretty face for himself; he doesn't have to acheive any state of spiritual feeling or intellectual understanding. All he has to do is happily accept the cookies: the gift of the kingdom. When Jesus tells us to become like little children, He is inviting us to forget what lies behind.  Whatever we have done in the past, be it good or evil, great of small, is irrelevant to our stance before God today. It is only now that we are in the presence of God.
   For the disciple of Jesus, "becoming like a little child" means the willingness to accept onself as being of little account and to be regarded as unimportant." Jesus was well aware of the child's "feelings of shame and inferiority, and because of His compassion they were, in His eyes, of extraordinarily great value. As far as He was concerned, they had nothing to fear. The kingdom was theirs. "There is no need to be afraid little flock, for it has pleased the father to give you the kingdom (Luke 12:32)."

A child accepts a gift without question.  A child rejoices in a gift, because it was freely given to be enjoyed.  Too often we allow our past hurts, mistakes, and adult pretenses to cloud our vision and relationship with the Father.  We put up walls and allow the times of disappointment to rule our trust..our faith. Maybe we reguard ourselves as too important, like the disciples.. "I'm entitled to have this answered! I'm more important than a child, I'm an adult!" Or maybe we don't realize just how truly valued we really are.

If I really reflect on this past year, God has answered prayer, and He has been so faithful and good.  So why do I find myself guarding my heart...just in case?  This is a new year, a new start.  This year I want to be like a child.  I want to leave the past behind and embrace the joys God has set before me.  I have already inherited a kingdom.  I need to start enjoying this gift.  Will there be disappointments along the way? Unanswered prayer?  Of course. Ultimately, I need to get it in my head that God LOVES me, and only has my best interests in mind, as painful as they may be somtimes.  It's all about perspective...and this year, I want mine to be that of the most treasured gift on earth...a child.

P.S... Did I mention that I'm going to be a mommy?!! Oh the joys that await this heart of mine! Praise be to God!