My Ebenezar

Welp almost 3 weeks after my last blog entry and still no baby. I guess all the nerves and panic over uncertainty were a little premature.  Apparently this little girl enjoys where she is and isn't quite ready to make her entrance. My nervousness has now turned to impatience...I'm beyond ready now..it's like Christmas morning times 100000 and I'm stuck at the top of the stairs still waiting and waiting for my parents to give the ok to open my presents..but they just won't say the word...so here I sit hanging somewhere between nervous excitment/antcipation and the brink of insanity :). 

And just when I think I'm about to crack, God decides to melt my heart and give me just that extra push of endurance.

Yesterday in Sunday school I recieved a much needed reminder. I've been so caught up in trying to guess when she's going to come, praying that she will come, doing everything I can possibly do to speed up this process, and yet I have forgotten how sweet this whole ordeal truly is.  Yesterday we discussed the Ebenezar stone- When Samuel took a stone and set it out as a reminder to the Israelites- "Thus far the Lord has helped us." (1 Samuel 7:12) It was a reminder of what the had been through, where they had come from, and what the Lord had done for them.  This is only one of several instances in the Bible where a stone or a marker is placed to stand as a reminder of God's goodness. In fact, I've talked before about my comfy red couch being a reminder to me..but yesterday was different.  As I sat there listening and the question arose "What is your Ebenezar?" It hit me..like duh that's why you go it in the first place..but it's become such a part of me now that I often forget. My Ebenezar is tattoed in dark, black, script, permantely on my left wrist...Beloved.

I've wanted to do a blog about my tattoo for a while..why I got it, what it means, etc., but it wasn't until yesterday that the full impact of it's meaning hit me...and now it is time to share.

Janurary 2011, Logan and I went together to revceive our permant ink.  We had been discussing the matter for quite some time and Logan had drawn several potential candidates.  We had planned on doing it around Christmas time, but alas I was pregnant and we joked that it would have to be postponed.

Two weeks later I lost the baby, and in an attempt to distract my brain, our tattoo date was back on. I got my tattoo for two reasons- 1. To remind me of Logan, his strength, his patience, to connect me to him always, and to remind me of God's power in his life. That's why I had Logan design it and why we went together. The second reason, I thought, was simply because of what it says "beloved" which means dearly loved, and through my life I have seen how dearly loved I am. However that second reason took on a whole new meaning in the light of the tattoo's timing. After being utterly shattered, my heart in pieces, nothing could have been sweeter than to hear God say "child, MY beloved, how dearly loved you are...I know this hurts, but we will get through this.."

And get through it we did. Looking back at the time in my life, the loss of a baby, the heartbreak I endured, I wasn't alone- God carried me all the way.  He gave me the strength to pull through. He gave me a husband and family to hold me, and He whisphered the words over and over.."Child you are my beloved."

And now, a year and a half later, on the eve of a new adventure, I look at my Ebenezar and sit in awe and wonder at how truly amazing and faithful God is. I shouldn't find it odd, because this is how God mysteriously works, but June 27 is not only the due date of my healthy baby girl, but also the date Logan is supposed to be recovered from this surgery- this 9 months of frustrating health problems. He will be recovered, and I will have a baby. God is so good. So today, as I sit, I am reminded once again of the dark ink still scrawled on my wrist...how far we have come..and how sweetly He still whispers "My child you truly are my  Beloved."

May you find your Ebenezar and be reminded of  what God has brought you through, and how dearly loved you truly are.

9 months?? More Time Please!!

Today I am officially 37 weeks pregnant, and according to my Dr. that means baby is full term. I can't even begin to express the overwhelming array of emotions that branch from this news.  I'm a walking ball of excitement, anticipation, humility, awe, and most of all NERVES.  If Soph decided to join us today there is nothing the doctors would do to stop it....in other words D-Day upon us! I've had 9 months to prepare- 9 months to get all the necessary materials- 9 months to go from a waist to a beach ball- 9 months to accept that this is a blessing and God isn't taking her anywhere- 9 months to mentally prepare for the REST of my life to be changed...you'd think 9 months would be enough. :)

Yet here I sit- at a crossroads. On one hand there are so many things left for me to do...finish her bedroom (a baby can't come home to less than perfect right?), clean every inch of the house, prepare a hospital bag, make sure all neccessary care items are organized and in place, read and MEMORIZE what to do with a baby when she's no longer in my tummy, check off my to-do list that I won't possibly have time for when she comes, get a camera, practice using it.. the list goes on and on. 

But on the other hand- I'm so excited, and I'm so ready. I'm ready for my body to quick aching and eventually go back to normal. I'm ready to quick getting kicked in the ribs and having to pee every 30 min.  I'm ready to be allowed to lift things and not be told I should or should not do something :). But most of all I'm ready to behold this precious miracle that is beating within me.  I'm ready to see her face- her eyes, her nose, her little fingers and toes- to see her daddy in her, to smell her sweet skin and hold her close..to see her smile..to see the heartbeat of a little life created out of pure love bestowed only upon us by a Gracious Heavenly Father. To know a new kind of love...

As I take all this in, I can't help but think about our relationship with God. (You knew I had to bring it around to Him eventually :)  I have to wonder if I'm ready for Him.  If He decided to open Heaven and come back tomorow..am I ready to go? Or do I have a few more preparations to make? Do I need more time....  Am I excited?  Am I so in love with my Heavenly Father that I can't wait to see His face?  To see His kind eyes, His gentle smile, to feel His warm embrace..To know a new kind of love..

Phillipians 3:12 says "I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be."

All the preparations in the world will never prepare me for that moment I hold my baby girl. But when that time comes I will be so glad that I tried to be ready.  Instead of panic, I will be able to fully take in that moment and embrace the gift because I was ready to receive it. Being pregnant forever does not sound like a fun idea no matter how much time it buys me... neither does trudging through this imperfect life when I know a land of Glory awaits. Just as Paul kept striving for that final day, I too want to stand with him and know that I didn't just let my time slip by- that I was ready.

Oh what glorious day, Father, when we will see your face and hear to call us home! May our hearts tremble with anticipation, and may we be watching for Your return!