Winter Snow

Wow. Hello blog, you look familiar.  Obviously, it's been a while since I have posted anything.  I must admit, I have been in a funk.  A big funk. I am trying, ok God is showing me, that I need to snap out of  it. Over the past few months, I feel like I've missed out on a lot of living because of my funk, my attitude, my selfishness.  At the end of the summer I was on fire. I knew this is where we were supposed to come. I felt a calling on my life, and though it would be challenging, I was excited to see what God was going to do.  Funny thing about God though, it's hard for Him to do anything with you if you aren't willing. 

I guess I was under some disillusion that because of my "obedience," I would come out here and miraculous things would start happening through me. Yah... 26 first graders and 5 months later..I'm still waiting.  And here's the thing I've known and realized all along, I've slipped. I've allowed myself to become too stressed out, too tired, too incapable, that I have dropped the ball spiritually.  I used to have a routine..breakfast, devotions, prayer..maybe a prayer walk all before my day got started. And now? I'm lucky if I motivate myself enough to mumble a few words to Him in before bed. Pathetic. Not only has this lack of discipline wrecked havoc on my attitude, but it branches out into all other areas of my life as well... I'm not writing. I'm not reaching out to family. I'm not reaching out to coworkers or my kids. I'm not growing. I'm not doing much of anything productive...I've gotten myself in a "whoa is me" funk, and as comfortable as that may be..I'm tired of it.  I feel empty, lonely, and stagnent. 

So after much Holy Spirit prodding, I gave up. I had a chat with God, and I found myself saying "I just want our relationship back! I want to know You again, I want to shine for you again...change me... forgive me...help me!!" I'm just so weary,and I know I cannot do this on my own.

Now you're gonna think this is strange to insert this right here, but this is my new favorite Christmas song, and I have a point. I'd like you to really listen to the words. 

Beautiful. I find myself listening to these words, tears streaming down my face, as I realize that this is exactly how the King of Kings still comes. Quiet, and soft, and slow.  How often I wish He would come in a burning bush, or a booming voice. That He would sweep in and do all these miraculous things for me. And yet, sweeter still, He choses to tenderly and gently fall upon our spirits like delicate snow.  Calming us, soothing us, enveloping us in a blanket of His peace and assurance. He's there all along, that voice still and small.

Recently my dad told me that he had been praying about a struggle of mine, and he prayed that God would come upon me gently like a soft snow fall, that He would just flutter down quietly upon me. How my heart tenders at this precious prayer and thought, for I now see that He still enters our hearts in such a beautiful way.  My prayer this Christmas season is that we will be still and allow His purifying, white snow to gently fall afresh on our hearts. 

Praise be to God for quietly fluttering down on a sinner like me.

The Whisper

Selfish heart bleed from my chest

Into a pool of shallow loneliness

Remove from me that which I feel

For a painless life has nothing to heal.

Petty thoughts are a waste of mind

Sense of entitlement, eyes so blind

Yet tucked away in crevices deep

A mystery lies waiting to reap

To prune all the doubt

To polish the soul

To empower the host, make broken whole

A wispher as sutble as the hush of the wind

lingering there, lying within

And ever so gently, the whisper will flow

beckoning "Child, be still and know."  

Little Logie

I really don't even know where to begin.  For those of you who haven't seen my mother's posts, my brother, Logan is not in a good state.  Over the past week, his heath has gone from bad to worse.  To wrap a long story into a nutshell, I will try to summarize the past week's events.

Logan had returned home from school due to a health issue.  The issue turned out to be a big one that required surgery.  In the process of setting up the surgery, he became very sick. He was suffering from a high fever and seizure like chills.  On Saturday night, his blood pressure had dropped, and his heart rate escalated landing him a trip to the ER. After three days of testing, scanning, and probing, the doctors finally discovered the culprit- the infection has spread to his bones.  Not good.

Now, what began as a fairly easy surgery with a fairly speedy recovery rate, has quickly turned into bad news bears.  Logan will have to undergo two surgeries-one for the intitial problem and one to fix the bone infection.  I am not up on all my medical jargon, and I'll spare some of the unpleasant details that go along with this condition.  But, I do know that he will get to spend the next at least 6 weeks hooked up to an IV and he has to do it LAYING DOWN! This is going to be a very long road. 

I swear! Can he not get a break?! The one thing he loves to do is play music..can he do that laying down? Not very well I'm sure! And being confined to a bed and a house for 6+ weeks is enough to make my brain and body go crazy just thinking about it!  I can't even fathom the hurt and disappointment that he must feel! If roles were reversed all I would be able to see is a deep black hole waiting to suck me in. How depressing!

So, of course, my mother and I are a wreck.  We are completely emotionally drained from this prognosis.  I am angry, I am heart broken, I am confussed, and I'm miles away.  I could go on and on about how I "feel" about this whole situation..everything that it entails..the disappointment..etc. But I want to share with you my conversation with the one person who is really experiencing it all..Logan.

After receiving the news I decided to give him a call. The following is our convo (not verbatim, but close):

Me (sobbing) "Hey"
Logan (cheery) "Hey! What's up?!"
Me (still sobbing) "Well it doesn't sound like much good is up where you are! This is just so sucky! Life just sucks right now and I'm so sorry!"
Logan (still cheery) "Ha, no. It's all good! It'll be ok!"
Me(you get the pic.) "Of course you would say that! Here I am bawling and you are just fine! But it really does suck right now. You are like Job.. I don't get it?! What more can be taken from you?!"
Logan "Ha. It's ok!"
Me: "Well I'm so sorry. We need a miracle right now. You know that we are praying for you and that you are on prayer chains across Kansas?"
Logan "Yup. There's a lot of power behind that."
Me: "Well we will do whatever we can to make this better."
Logan "I know. Just keep praying."

Wow. How bout I just take a big gulp of humble pie.  In my mind, this situation is the end of the world and I'm thinking REALLY GOD!!?? And Logan? He's as cool as a cucumber.  I'm sure that deep down he knows that this is going to be a long road, and that it's not going to be peachy, but the faith and trust that he continues to display astound me.  Here I am a blubbering mess, trying to offer words of comfort..to make sense of it all..and he's the one comforting me.

Deep down Logan has grasped the concept of temporary. Deep down Logan understands that this place is not our home. Deep down Logan has the Spirit of God alive and working in his heart.  Deep down Logan gets "it."  He is a living testimony of the power of a transformed life. He may be bound by an fallible earthly body, but guess what? Logan knows his Maker.

Phillipians 4:6-7 "Be anxious in nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Darn that Blessed Be Song

I have a love/hate relationship with the song "Blessed be Your Name." You know "blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name..." I'm sure you can Youtube it if its not ringing a bell.  However, if you've been in the church long enough, or listened to Christian radio long enough, to me, it's outplayed it welcome. It's cycles through worship services, radio, and has probably been sung at every chruch conference, retreat, and special speaker I've attended. Not that what its says isn't good, but sometimes songs get run into the ground.

Here's my gig with the song. Not long after Logan's wreck, my mother (sorry sisters I don't remember if you attended) and I went to a ladies brunch at our church. Our speaker for the day was the sister of one of the dear members of the church. She had just recently experienced the unimaginable.  While driving, she and her family were in a horrible car wreck.  She was the only survivor. The wreck claimed the lives of not only her beloved husband, but all of her children.  Needless to say, her message struck close to home, as we, my mother and I, sat reeling from the brokeness of our own tragic situation.  But here's where the song comes in. Towards the end of her heartbreaking testimony, she began telling of how God used the song "Blessed be Your Name" to minister to her heart. And as she began to recall her encounter with God and this song, she began to sing it.. acapella..voice raised in tenderness...heart overflowing with pain..as she praised God. "When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say Blessed be your name...You give and take away, my heart will CHOOSE to say.. Lord blessed be your name."

I can't even type without tears welling in my eyes. To this day everytime I hear that song I am reminded of that moment. When that precious, broken woman, who had virtually lost everything we hold dear, chose to praise God in the midst of her pain. So maybe that's my problem with the song, not that it's overplayed, but that the words are so hard to swallow.

Thursday was a rough day for me. My special friends had been particurally challenging, and to top it all off..sorry for my TMI.. but in the midst of it all my "lady issues" decided to pay me a visit.  Now, I have been so thankful, after all my body has been through that it is working right again. And, for the most part, I have been too busy to put much thought into the fact that this monthly visist means no baby. But Thursday was rough.  In the past 2 weeks, I have been around so many babies and pregnant women that I could scream. Not to mention I go to a classroom full of, albeit terrors, but adorable terrors, that fuel my desire.  So Thursday meant not only mean no baby, but now we have to start ALL OVER again.

So, as I'm throwing myself a pity party about my day and my situation, and I'm extra hormonal and emotional, and the last thing I want to do is try to be happy, that evening I had planned to travel to Garden with my mother-in-law to hear Chondra Pierce (a Christian comedian). So we get there and I am seated by none other than one of our young friends who is in the prime of her first pregnancy. Let's just pour a little more salt on my wounds. Well (I'm getting to my points, hang in there with me) what do you know, but before Chondra, Pocket Full of Rocks was leading the worship, and guess what song they started singing?  Yup. Do I need to say more?  It was all I could muster to not be a blubbering mess. It was like God was reaching down to me at that very moment saying "I know you are hurting. I hear your cries, but I am still good and worthy to be praised." I find is so amazing that in the midst of pain, we can always find a reason to praise Him, even if it's simply because of who He is. My pain is not gone, but I take great comfort in knowing that my god is THE God.

As He tenderly ministered to my soul, and as the evening commenced, He opened my eyes to a new revelation. At one point Chondra told a story about a time when she began to act self-righteous..about the burden of having such a crazy schedule, but God needed her to minister to these people..thinking no one else was fit. To which her wise older brother replied "who do you think you are? God doesn't need you, He can find someone else to minister to His people, He doesn't need you, He chose you."

Wow. In reflecting on my current situation with school and with the baby, I realized something very important. And, maybe it's to help get me through til the next month rolls around. But, God doesn't need me to minister to my class, He could have given the opportunity to someone else, but instead He chose me.  Maybe I am not pregnant right now because He knows that I would lose focus of the amazing ministry opportunity I have right in front of my face.  Wow.
In closing this lenghty self-evaluation, I hope that you are reflective today. There may be rough times, and you may feel like you have the world on your shoulders, but just remember that God has chosen you to be His hands and feet right where you are and that is an amazing gift.  And, I can't think of a better way to thank Him than by blessing His mighty, powerful name.

Blessed be His name indeed.

A Glimpse into my crazy life...

Ahhh..I actually have a moment to sit and breathe.. to think..to write..to relax. Since my last blog I have been through ..no surprise.. a whirlwind of emotion and stress.  I have now officially survived a little over 2 weeks of school and I can say it's finally getting a little better.  Well, maybe not my kids, but my confidence and comfort  level at least.  My blog today, and probably most of my blogs, will be about my kids, because they are what consume my days and thoughts. So metaphor land here we come..hang in there with me, I have some background to set up first. However, you may find some humor in the chaos that is life now :).

I have 24 little 6-7 year olds in my class...2 of them have severe ADHD and one of them is either undiagnosed or extremely immature. Now 2 diagnosed problems out of 24 may seem like good odds..but throw in some inconsistent meds, and those 2 pack enough energy for a whole classroom of children. Let me give you a little glimpse into my day yesterday:

Every morning we start off seated on the carpet in front of my whiteboard for our morning message time. Mornings are usually good because sleep is still waring off, but when both of my..lets call them..special friends..are waiting for meds to kick in (sometimes I wonder if they ever do), it can be a little crazy. Ok so I've got all 24 little bodies seated, criss cross applesauce on my rug, and as we are going through our message one special friend is flinging his head back and forth and side to side, sometimes laying down in the front row or stretching out, and the other is touching every child in his proximity. My second, "handsy" friend is either shouting out answers or simply just making "whoooing" noises. That was the first 15 minutes of my day.
After that we proceeded to do  a "secret word" activity in which my "whooing" friend decides that our lesson needs the added noise.  I can't let this distracting behavior continue, so I calmly go overt to him, bend down and give him 2 options: 1. He can go in the hall and take a coloring break (with my Para of course), 2. He can take Mrs. Harris (my para) to the library..because she "doesn't know where it is". To which he replied by locking his hands on the bottom of his chair and repeatedly told me "No, I am NOT moving." So, I did what only made sense, I picked him up, chair and all, and removed him to the hallway with Mrs. Harris. Funny how my class got real quiet :).

So after calming down in the hall for probably 20 minutes, I decided to give him another shot.  Agreeing that he could participate and stay quiet he returned to join in center time.  Whats the first thing he does? He goes to our letter magnet station, picks up the letters and flings them at the whiteboard to see if they will stick. Lovely. Lets keep in mind I have 23 other kids I have to keep in order and teach while all of this goes on. Well somehow we made it through the first hour of my morning. After P.E. and Music, he proceeded to hide under his desk until he passed how for the second hour of our morning.

 The day was a continuous stream of putting out loud outburts and redirecting him. If he was making noise or talking, he was flinging his dry erase board sock around in the air, touching the other students' desks , blowing into a ziploc bag with individual manipulatives, or moving my board magnets around. Oh yah, and then I have my other special friend on top of all that. Luckily he has his own personal para, but she can't control his vocal chords any better than he can.

Sigh. Are you tired yet?  Ok, so here's my metaphor. I was reflecting on my class, and on my day, this morning, and I realized they are a picture of how us humans must look to God.  There are those of us who flat our refuse to listen to Him. Who flail around and demand our own way, giving no regaurd to Him. Then there is my other boy, who wants to do right, but he just can't fight the urge to slip back into outbursts and destructive behavior. And then, my immature, undiagnosed kiddo, is like so many of us who are just that..immature. We think life revolves around us and cry when we don't get our way.  And lets not forget the other 75% of my class, who, when they think the teacher is distracted, that they have license to do what they want.  How many of us look at others and think "Well those people need God way more than I do, and since all of His energy would be better focused on them, I'm just gonna let these little areas of my life slip on by." . And then of course there are my "pet" children. Those who strive to do there best. Those who are so punctual, and quiet, and well seemingly perfect. They are dependable, smart, growing young minds and I love it.

At first I was thinking that we all fall into those different catergories, but in reality don't we all encompass each of those at some point in our lives?  Being in the "teacher" position, it made me realize just how frustrated and exhauseted God must get with us. He knows what's best, He just wants to teach us, and love us, but we humans don't always like to listen.  Wouldn't it be nice if God would just literally pick us up sometimes and move us from our destuctive behavior? Or redirect us when we need it? Hmmm.. I think He does do that, we just sometimes don't choose to see it.  In the end, I realized the most important thing of all.. as frustrating as they can be, I still care and love for each one of them...and I cannot, and will not give up on them. Sound familiar?  God loves and cares for us infinity (for lack of a better word) more!

Funny, seems like I'm the one being taught here. God is so good. Let's try to reflect on how our lives must look to our Heavenly Father who only wants the best for us. Love.

Survival of the Fittest

Whew! I have survived my first official week of the school year! One down...yah I'm not gonna look at how many more I have to go..But, this first week is over and I still somehow have my hair intact! I think this calls for a celebration..maybe icecream every night this weekend :). I also somehow managed to get my lesson plans done so I don't have to go up there today or tomorrow..woohoo! And yet, try as I may to block all incoming school related thoughts, they still consume me! One minute I'm secretly dropping a few curse words (ok not really, but sometimes don't they just seem fitting?), and the next I'm finding myself all sensitive and gushy toward those precious little demons. Ok they aren't really demons, they're six, and my 26 year old brain doesn't remember what its like to be that little...thus causing some friction, and at times, chaos.

How do you get a six year old, in the middle of the afternoon, after a long morning, when their brains and bodies scream "We need to play!!" to focus on Math? It's seemingly an impossiblity. And just when I want to throw in the towel, when my stress level is on overdrive, when my adult body wants a rest instead of play time, I'm reminded of why I'm here...for them. I'm not here for the money. I'm not here to gain experience. I'm not here as Clinton's ticket to Dodge. I'm here for them. All 24 whirling tornados of destruction and constant commotion that test every ounce of my humanity.  I hate it. I hate that in my heart I know that within each one of those little bodies beats a heart that needs me. Each one of those little souls needs the love and attention from someone who will truly care for them.( No pressure!)

I hate it because I know I cannot do it.

This is the part where God makes His grand appearance. In all His glory and power and might. "I'm here to save the day" *trumpets blasting*  I CAN'T do it, but He CAN.

I was reading the story of Joseph today and I was overcome with awe at his faith.  Towards the end of the story, Joseph  reveals to his brothers his true identity. They beg him for their lives, to just allow them to be his slaves for what they did to him as a child.  And Joseph, after being betrayed, sold into slavery, and forgotten by his own flesh and blood, looks at these pitful, worthless brothers and says " “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? ²⁰ As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. ²¹ So therefore, do not be afraid;I will provide for you and your little ones.” So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them. (Genesis 50:19-20)

Wow. How did he do that? How did he have the wisdom and the heart to be able to not only forgive his brothers, but to provide for them and to realize that it was God's will?  I don't think he did it on his own.  I think the Holy Spirit provided him with the strength and the insight he needed. Did you catch what he said? He didn't blame them...his perspective had changed..he knew that God had made good come out of his pain.

So as I reflect on my situation, it might be stressful, it may have me going gray long before my time, but God has me here for a reason. If anything this experience has made me realize even more just how much I need to be feed by God. From His word, from His people, from His spirit. 

We are human. We can't juggle everything by ourselves. We have a purpose, but, we need a Savior to help us fulfill it. And I know just where to find Him...He's hidden in my heart.

Cope

Today has been one of those days when I have to rely on the Holy Spirit to intercede for my groanings.  I had one of those moments, flat on my face, tears streaming down...utterly lost for words..for sense. How beautiful, how intimate the Spirit of God with in us. Thank you Lord for sending us such a tender helper. Today is one of those days when you realize just how desperately our world needs Jesus.  How completely imperfect we all really are.  After I had exhausted all tears I read this:

"Jesus Lives- Hope"  Sarah Young

"Though difficulties abound in the world, rejoice that I am always with present with you. I can enable you to cope with ANY and ALL circumstances, strengthening you as you look trustingly to Me. No matter how hopeless your situation may seem I assure you that all things are possible with me."

Psalm 46:1- God is our refuge and strength an ever present help in trouble.

Today, or in the future, if you find your heart breaking for a personal situation, for loved ones, or just for our world, please receive hope in the Truth in these words.  Love

I AM TIRED

I am tired. No, I'm not just tired, I am weary.  Definition: to be physically or mentally exhausted...I think I'm both.  The term weary carries with it a weight, a lingering sensation of seemingly incurable tiredness.  Over the past month I have moved parts of my house several times, driven countless hours, spent days and nights transforming my classroom, tried to unpack my belongings, and as of today I started a three day..all day..orientation with the school district..oh yah and school starts next Thursday.  Not only am I physically and mentally exhausted from all of this, I'm emotionally drained as well.  Leaving my family, my little home, my comfort, and now preparing myself for a real job, new surroundings, and 22 little first graders. 

I am weary.

I don't know how people do it. This is completely naieve, but until you experience it, you just don't realize how much energy is required to have fulltime job and life!  I feel like I haven't slept enough, ate enough, exercised enough, fostered my relationships enough, or spent time with God enough.  Any little amount of energy I have is being sucked into school right now. I just don't know how people manage a career, a spouse and then throw kids on top of that..and a life! Ah! It's exhausting.

After my long day I decided I needed a small rest (which was very challenging because I knew I'd be giving up valuable time). So after my nap I decided.. ok I need to get my blood flowing, get some sunshine, go on a walk, and spend some time with God.  It was during this walk that my weariness hit me.  As I walked and talked with God, He laid heavy on my heart the burden of weariness we all carry.  At first I felt selfish for making excuses for not being stellar in all areas of my life..chalking it up to "I'm tired." And then I felt Him speak to me about being weary...we are all weary. 

I thought about my mother whose heart is weary from loving her children so intensely, about my father, my husband, and those who are burdened with finnacial responsibilities and the daily grind of work.  I thought about my sister, whose weary from a broken heart. My brother, who must be weary from the extra mile he must take every day.  My loved ones who must be weary from running so hard..who try to push God away.  Those who are dealing with the uncertainty of illness. Those weary from constant failure.  Those who put all their time and energy into their families or their work and have no room left at the end of the day.  Those of us, all of us, who just need rest.  We don't get away from it, we can push it aside, we can press on, but the heaviness of it all can linger.  Sometimes we just need to rest.

"Jesus Lives" -Resting in Him
"I know how weary you are and how desperately you need soul-rest. Even when your body is still your thoughts tend to go hither and yon...I already know what you're thinking so you have nothing to hide. You need to wait in my Presence, giving me time to help you think My thoughts. Though you may feel as if you're wasting time, you are actually doing the opposite. Your steps will be fewer but you will accomplish much more, for you will be staying close to Me- THe Way the Truth, The Life. No matter how strenuous your journey, you can find soul-rest in My company."

Oh how we need a soul-rest.

"Come to me all you who are heavy burdened and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Music is sweeter after a rest- may our lifesongs remember this beauty.

Love Me!

Over the past, well less then 24 hours, my heart has been broken for several reasons.  I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, as storms raged in my soul.  Heart broken over loved ones, over situations where I put my heart on the line, only to seemingly get it crushed, but most of all heart broken by situations that cannot be fixed by man alone. And as the rain poured down, it was so evident to me of our need for a Savior. As I watched all that transpired, it was clear that heart break is a result of a place that is not our home.  Human beings will fail, but God never will.

I wanted to share a story with you that I had during one of the storms.  Riley, my precious baby Riley, shared with me a beautiful insight she recently received from a friend.  (I probably won't get all the words verbatum, but you'll get the gist)

Riley was discussing with a friend how Riley feels like she loves so selfishly.  How when she loves someone, she wants all of that person, their time, their attention, their affection, and vice versa. She wants to out pour her love on them as well. She was expressing how hard it is when the love is not returned because when she loves, she loves so passionately.  Her friend, in gracious wisdom replied.
"Riley, it is a gift from God that you can love that intensely.  But you know what else? That is exactly how GOD loves YOU."

To which Riley responded to me "God is just crying out to me.. "love me! love me!"

Wow. What a beautiful picture of the love that Christ has for us.  The truth in these words pierces my heart. During times of heartache and storms, when we push God away, when we rely on fallable human beings to fill us, when we love so fiercly it hurts, may we remember this truth.  Just as we love with a jealous love, so our God loves us that much more, and He is the only one who will never fail us.

Do you hear Him calling?..... Love me! Love me! Child, I am here!

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed. says the Lord who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10

A Dream, Some Pixe Dust, and God

So last night I had a dream. Not a Martin Luther King kind of dream, an actual sleeping dream.  Now, in the past I've been mocked by my family for the length, strangeness, and uneccessary details of my dreams. So for today's purpose, I will try to keep it short, but I have a feeling I will already fail at this attempt. Needless to say, dreams are usually odd and sporatic, so I will try to make as much sense of it as I can.

So, in my dream, I was on a large like mega bus that for some reason had to stop for a detour.  As the people were filing off of the bus, I noticed that we were forming two different groups while we waited.  One group was comprised of people who lived by the world's standards.  Drunks, druggies, atheists,..basically all non-believers were filing into a pizza parlor area to fill their time. A handful of others, including my family and I, were left standing on the corner of the sidewalk while the bus was in repair. Our small line was not partaking in sinful activity.   As I stood there and watched people one by one shuffle off the bus, I began to panic at the thought of all these people chosing a life of sin.  I realized that we needed to be actively encouraging them to stay on the sidewalk with us believers. 

Enter the small jar of pixie dust.  (it's a dream!) I don't remember how I got the sparkling substance, but I do remember that as people were passing by I would beg them to remember God, and to remember good. As I did this, I would either let them smell the dust, or blow a little in their face.  This magical dust must of had the aroma that triggered the right memory, because it opened their eyes and they realized their need to join us.  Soon, our line began to grow, as we attempted to stop people from entering the evil pizza parlor.  But, as we continued to wait for the bus to come back, our line began to dwindle.  The people on the sidewalk began to get tired, to get thirsty, and the dust began to wear off.  In the end, our line reverted back to it's original few. My heart was heavy.

Here is what I felt God say to me this morning about this dream. 

We are in a war right now, every day, for those souls who want to go the pizza parlor route. Who scoff at us, who are too lost, too self-absorbed, too stubborn, too weak to live a life for Christ.  Everyday people pass by as we stand on the sidewalk waiting for our Savior, and we let them.

Enter the pixie dust...an aroma..a reminder..an inticement. 

2 Corinthians 2:15-16 says:
¹⁵ For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life.

2 Corinthians 5:17 also says:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, then he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come."

If we are in Christ, then we are a new creature.. a creature that emits a sweet aroma.  If our salvation is pleasing to God, I would venture to say that as we strive to become more like Him, our lives let off a sweet fragrance to those around us.  Don't you want people to be drawn to you because you smell like warm, homemade, love and comfort?  That light that shines on your face, that Christ-like attitude that flows through your words and actions...God can use that to draw people near to Him.

How often though, we as Christians, forget that we possess this "magical dust." We become tired, and hungry, and begin to forget what we have living right inside of us. The dust starts to wear off. Let's not find ourselves etching our way to the pizza parlor, or letting anymore slip by unnoticed. Let's instead embrace the tools we have with us to share Christ. Remember who lives in you, and make a conscious effort to spread that pixie dust around. There is no sweeter smell than the fragrance of a joyful life in Christ. Happy dusting!

Love.

Communication Glitch

"The greatest tragedy of life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer."
F.B. Meyer

Prayer. Just the very word conjures a range of emotional thoughts and feelings. Comfort. Duty. Guilt. Anger. Connection. This last Sunday, our pastor, once again, did a fabulous sermon on prayer. He used the above quote, and Luke 11:2-13 to remind us that we just need to keep knocking..keep seeking..keep praying. God is listening.  I needed to be reminded of this great truth. However, before the sermon had even been uttered, God allowed me to be in two situations that paralleled the importance of prayer.

You know how they say in marriage, communication is key?  Well you'd think, in all our wisdom ;), after 5 years of marriage, Clinton and I would be starting to grasp that concept a little more.  Most of the time, I'd say we communicate pretty well, however, the gender differences often play a part in setting expectations and thus ensue a lack of communication...which can lead to some distress.  Over the weekend, Clinton and I were in one of those situations that required more communication than the other was willing to give...well..ok..than I was willing to give.  (Sorry honey, I need to use you to make a point)

So, Friday, I traveled to Dodge to drop off a load of our belongings. Let me preface- Clinton had been gone all week working in Liberal (an hour or so away from Dodge), and I had to load up and haul stuff out by myself- which was fine- but by Friday night, I was a bit tired. Also, he had to work Saturday. So, Friday evening rolls around, and here I am weary, overwhelmed emotionally by life right now, and stuck in Dodge City. It had been a long day, and I was thinking/hoping that Clinton would surprise me for the evening. After all he was only an hour away, right?  But, I did not communicate this desire to him because, by my mistake, I thought he'd catch on to this.  At first it was no big deal, I had known he wasn't coming, but I was still hoping. But, as the evening ensued, through various conversations, my hope started to disappate as he showed no signs of catching on. Thus, my reaction was to shut down, close him off, and let the hurt fester in my heart.  By the time I went to bed I was a mess emotionally, - angry, bitter, sad, and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to him.

But, talking is exactly what we needed to do.  After enough poking and proding, I eventually broke down and spilled my heart to him.  He was completely unaware that I had even felt this way! Of course then he felt awful, but if I had just talked to him in the first place, it would not have been an issue!  I allowed myself to dwell on the hurt of unmet expectations, instead of just communicating in the first place.  We missed out on a perfectly good opportunity to be together, because I just wanted my need to be magically met. 

This, and another couple's communicating issues (for confidentiality purposes, I will not divulge this situation), got me thinking about our relationship with God.  I for one, know that when I am not communicating with God, my life is out of whack.  When I go for periods of time and don't communicate with Him, my heart begins to harden, my attitude shifts, and I start to dwell on the hurt of unmet expectations.  Why is it that we build walls and push God away daily?  The longer we go, the harder it is to just humble ourselves and talk with Him. But talking is exactly what we need to do.  In both situations over the weekend, when both parties communicated, everything turned out great..better actually!  Isn't that how it is with God?  When we finally surrender and communicate with Him, oh how our hearts find peace! 

Today as I reflect on our humaness, once again, and our need to be self-suficient, I pray that we would be reminded of how important it is to be in communication with our true Source of Life.  How tragic, how bitter, how hopeless we allow our lives to become because we simply don't talk to the One who is able and willing to help us!  Obviously, unlike Clinton :), God already knows our thoughts, but the point is He WANTS us to talk to him about everything anyways. It's not to enlighten Him, it's to remind us of who is in control, and of our desperate need for a Savior in this imperfect world.

Take time today to pray, to talk to God, to offer your concerns, your unmet expectations, your hurt and of course your joys.  I think God even delights in the silly stuff we bring Him, because He knows we are human and He wants to build that relationship.  Don't let your day slip away without communicating with your Heavenly Father. Don't miss out on opportunities to be with Him.  You never know what blessings will befall your eyes and your heart if you just offer it.

Love.

My Worn, Comfy, Red Couch

In my house sits a red couch.  This couch was generously given to me by my parents when we moved in.  I love this couch, not just because it's red, but because within it's worn out cushions, memories hide. This couch was first positioned at my parents house. It was our seating for T.V. entertainment. It was also the last place I remember Logan sitting before his wreck, and where I was sitting when our world turned upside down the next morning. 

This couch started out in our first apartment- young love, first real furniture (super exciting), first real place. It traveled with us to our current residence, and since it's placement here, it has seen it's share of moments.  Every morning I sit in the left side corner of that couch, cozy up with a blanket, and with little attempt to break bad habits..a silly dog curled beside.  It is just the right spot to start waking up, to do devotions, and it is just the right height to kneel in prayer.It's the perfect spot for a nap, and in the evenings, to unwind with my husband.

God and I have had a lot of talks on that couch. I've written a lot of blogs, a lot of poems, and read a lot of devotionals/Bible verses. I've prayed a lot, rejoiced a lot, and definitely cried a lot. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there is a subtle impression of my face left in it's soft cushioning. God has held me on that couch, He's cried with me, and He's filled my heart to overflowing on that couch.

Sunday, our pastor spoke about the importance of altars- not just  a place of sacrifice, but a place of rememberance. Throughout the Old Testament, altars were built to remind the person or people of what God had done in their life at that particular place.  Countless passages talk about the importance of remembering.

Psalm 105:4-6

⁴ Look to the LORD and his strength;
   seek his face always.
 ⁵ Remember the wonders he has done,
   his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced, ⁶ you his servants, the descendants of Abraham,
   his chosen ones, the children of Jacob.



My worn, comfy, vibrant couch is my altar. It's my refuge, it's my reminder. A reminder of what I've been through, where I've come from, and how God is still working. I will be leaving my couch soon, just for a period, my sister-in-law will be taking it over.  But even though I am leaving, my memories of that couch remain.

Today I ask, what is your 'altar"? What in your life holds those precious God moments, and memories for you?  God designed us with a memory- for good and for bad, and it can be triggered by any number of things- a song, a place, a person, an item,..a couch.  I would encourage you to revisit that "thing" and take it all in. Be still and be reminded of what God has done in your life. Unless we take time to remember, we tend to forget, and those moments are ones we should treasure forever.  I bet you'll discover they're still there, much like a worn, comfy, oversized couch- just waiting to be snuggled in.

Love.

Somethin's Followin You Around

Psalm 23- one of the more famous passages in the Bible. We've probably heard it all our lives, in and outside of church. In fact, I even remember it being quoted in the movie Titanic. As the boat is tilted up in the air, and people are clinging to the railing, a priest begins quoting this Psalm in the face of impending doom. It's a Psalm of hope, of comfort, of rest. Just in case you need a brush up/ reminder it's about the Lord being our shepherd, we shall not want, when we walk through the valley of death..etc... hey you could look it up and read it if you want a real refresher :)

There's so many truths and lessons encompassed in this passage. We could pick apart each section and discuss it's relevence today and the message of hope this secures for us. Today, however, I want to focus on the last verse.  I met with my mentor, Annabell, yesterday, and have researching and digging into this Psalm she discovered an explanation that I found great joy and comfort in.  I want to share it with you.

 ⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
         All the days of my life;         
   And I will dwell^[a] in the house of the LORD
         Forever.

I've always thought "yah I like that. If I follow God, then this "goodness and mercy" stuff will follow me." Sounds like a good deal. In fact, everytime I hear this quote, I want to sing the song "Surely goodness and mercey shall fooolloow me, all the days, all the days of my liiiffee...." But yesterday, Annabell took it a step further than just "good stuff to have followin me around." I've never really thought about what it truly means to have God's goodness and mercy follow me. So, today, I pray that you will be encouraged by this precious gem:

God's goodness takes care of our steps, while His mercy takes care of our stumbles.

Did you get that? Read it again.

When we chose to follow Him, God knows that we are never going to be perfect. He doesn't expect perfection, He expects willingness, and He will do the rest.  When we follow Christ, His goodness gives us the security, blessings, and strength for our journey.  Through His goodness to us, He acknowledges our humanity, our imperfections, and thus He then extends His mercy to pick us up when we fall. What blessed assurance to know that if we allow Him, God takes care of every step we make, and when we do trip, He's right there, extending his hand, ready to help us back to our feet.

Have a wonderful day knowing that you are never far from your Heavenly Father. As you journey through this life, His goodness and mercy are following close behind.... and that's good stuff to have hangin around :).

Lessons from a Rafting Trip

Early this morning I went on a bike ride, to beat the heat, to beat the day, and in the cool of the morning, God and I had some needed time to talk.  As my mind drifted from request to request, my heart began breaking at the seriousness of specific situations.  My heart is so saddened at my generation, and the choices we are making. As I grow older and deeper in my faith, the realization of humanity, selfishness, and the consequences of the previous are becoming ever more apparent.  We can proclaim something til we are blue in the face, but unless our lives reflect those actions, it means nothing. Everything we do ultimately affects ourselves and others in one way or another, and yet too often we neglect to recognize the severtiy of our actions.

As I was reflecting on this, God brought to my attention that too often, we find ourselves drowning. Drowning in our sin, our choices, our selfishness, our lack of strong moral conviction. And, this reminded me of an illustration my father shared with me last weekend.  A little background first:

Last weekend I was so blessed to travel to Colorado Springs for my cousin's beautiful wedding. The day of the wedding, my parents, MacKinzie, and I had time to go white water rafting. The water was more intense than anything we'd been on before, and at times it was a little nerve-racking. At one point in our trip, our guide assured us it was safe to "float/swim" in the river for a bit.  Trusting our guide, Kinzie and I (and a few others) decided to test the water. Although I thought hypothermia was going to set in, I floated peacefully along, enjoying my experience. Later my dad pointed out his experience of the swim:

My dad chose to stay in the raft, while Kinzie and I floated about. While I was in lala land, Dad recounted Kinzie's experience.  As she floated around, the water started getting rougher, the raft starting slipping farther away, and she started drifting closer to the edge of the river.  As she tried to fight her way back, her calm quickly turned to panic.  Dad recalls seeing the look of fear and urgency on her face. Everything within him screamed "save her!" Here his little girl, was completely helpless, grasping for help, and he would do anything in his power to pull her out. What a powerful example of the love and urgency our Heavenly Father has for us.

As we go through life, we make choices everyday. Unfortunately, if we aren't careful, we begin to drift farther away from the security of our raft, and before we know it, we start to drown.  How often do we live moment to moment when the water starts to crash in unexpectedly? Then what do we do? We panic. We can't understand how we drifted so far, why we're so desperate to be rescued. It's because we weren't paying attention.  We allowed ourselves to lose sight of the boat, and go our own way. We need to wake up, this is scary business, and if we don't seek refuge, we are playing with fire and we will not win.

Galatians 6:7,8 says“7 Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. 8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.” 

I cannot stress enough how important it is for us to lean on Christ- to sow in the Spirit and not to the flesh.

My floating experience was completely different- I trusted my guide, I kept sight of the boat, I knew my father was watching me, and I was filled with perfect peace (now this lesson is for me just as much as it is for the next person, this is strictly an illustration to demonstarte the difference). We both started off the same, but our choices led to different endings.

 God is our refuge and strength,

always ready to help in times of trouble. - Psalms 46:1

Let's start taking preventive measures before our actions require saving. And, if you have drifted, have no fear, you're never to far to be saved.

When MacKinzie recognized her need for help, she didn't push further away from the raft-that could have meant injury or death. How ridiculous to go in the opposite direcition of safety!  No, she knew she needed to find the raft and just get close enough for her daddy to reach out and save her. And he was right there watching and ready the whole time.

Love.

Festering Bugs

Fear. Worry. Doubt. Three words that we would all like to smush like an irriating bug-never to bother us again. Unfortunately, these three words linger- in the corners of our minds, in the crevices of our hearts, and if we aren't careful, they will devour us. Our humanity naturally feeds these feelings, so how do we find the strength of overcome these festering bugs?

Max Lucado tells of a time when his two-year daughter experienced fear. He recalls a time when she fearfully clung to him over something that would only be scary to a two-year old. He then goes on to beautifully parallel her trust and ours.

"And because she knows me, she trusts me. Instinctively, she is aware that I know more than she. So when I tell her not to worry, she doesn't worry. Instinctively, we should know that God knows more than we do. Common sense would tell us that He isn't afraid of the mice that roar in our world.... He's been there before. He knows how these shows end. He knows that the worst fear the foe can throw is only a mirage. And He wants us to listen to His voice and trust Him- as Sara trusted me...." (from Tell Me The Story)

In reflecting on fear/worry this morning, my first instinct was to think "We'll I don't fear much. I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. I'm not paralyzed by irrational fears. My life is pretty cushy, so what do I have to fear?" And then, after careful consideration, God showed me where my fear lies...in my inability to control every situation and everyone around me. Not that I want to be some crazy dictator, but we all know it would be nice to be able to make situations and people's hearts sway the way we think they should go. I fear my inabilities. I fear the salvation of my friends and family. I worry about the happiness and fullfillment of my loved ones. I fear losing my comforts and those closet to me. I realized I'm not immune to fear, it there, hidden, unspoken, and festering in my mind.

Proverbs 3:5-
⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
How do we combat fear? We trust in God. We listen to our instict that tells us to run to Him. We can't lean on what we know, for our understanding is so limited. We have to trust that God knows. Those things that I fear, I have no control over. Thus, my greatest fear is the lack of control in my life.  How often do our fears steem from our need to control and lack of surrender to God? 

Isaidh 26:3-4
³ “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in You.
⁴ “Trust in the LORD forever,
For in ^[a]GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.

If we can learn to guard our hearts and minds, and fully surrender our fears to God, guess what? He will listen.  Isaiah says if we do these things, He will give us perfect peace. This is all easier said than done. Surrendering isn't a one time deal, it's daily, it's a process. But God will be faithful to give us what we so long for...a calming, perfect peace in the face of our enemies- fear, doubt, and worry. Have a blessed day knowing that God is in control, and He knows the end of our stories.

A Dad's Job is Never Done

Dad's have a big job, or at least my dad does. All my life he has been the source of finanncial stability.  He has worked, and continues to work, to provide above and beyond my family's needs. Income, employees, bills, and a family all fall on his shoulders. He's been the disciplinarian, the goofy dad, the best shopping partner, the silly story teller, our personal "fix everything" man, and inside a giant living teddy bear.  Over the years, my dad has experienced job highs and lows. He knows the weariness of traveling, and the burden of provision. He has lived through moving his city-fied children and wife to small town America and back again.  He has survived the upbringing of 3 hormonal teenage GIRLS, (which is a miracle in itself), and the marriage of his first born. His heart's broken over the poor choices his children have made, and yet has rejoiced when they've returned "home."  He watched as his only son suffered the unimaginable, and graciously helped him, and our family, adapt to a new way of life.  He has remained faithfuly married to my mother for 28 years, and most importantly to God.  Looking back, I doubt his life was anything he imagined it would be, but he's stuck with us through it all. Yes, I'd say my dad has had his work cut out for him over the years, and his job is far from over.

On this Father's day, I can't help but think about the big job God has too.

Over the years, God has provided time and time again for his children. He supplies them with more than they will ever need. He has watched as his children have grown, and has journeyed with them as they move and adjust to life.  He has remained faithful to his children throughout the entirity of their lives.  He goes before them and prepares the way, making sure they are safe and secure.  His has watched as his children have suffered, and has provided healing, comfort, and help to adapt.  His heart has broken at the poor choices his children have made, and yet rejoices when the lost return home. His love has no bounds, and his compassion never fails. He's the disciplinarian, and yet the tender hug of a giant teddy bear. Our lives constantly twist and turn, and yet God sticks with us through it all. Yes, God has an even bigger job to do, and I'm so thankful that He's never done.

Today, as I reflect on who my dad is, and all that he has done for my family, I am completely overwhemled and blessed. I have been so fortunate to have a good dad. My heart breaks for those who have never known the love of a good father, but my prayer is that we will all know the love of our Heavenly Father. I have experienced the love and grace of not only an amazing earthly father, but most importantly, my Heavenly Father as well.  This might be a little cheesey, but God- Happy Father's Day- I'm SO blessed, and thankful to be called your beloved child.

Spontaneous Occurance Phobia

Over the past week my life has changed dramatically. Actually, it all took place in less than 24 hours. On Wednesday at 3:00PM, I went in for an interview and by Thursday at noon, I had a signed contract with Sunnyside Elementary in Dodge City. On Wednesday evening, I recieved a phone call from the principle hinting that I may have secured the job. My reaction?  Uncontrollable sobbing... head in the pillow...tears and snot streaming down my face..and screaming "Why! I KNEW you would do this to me God!" In that moment, all of my fears about the near future had come true. In 6 weeks I am now going to leave my family, my home, my little walking park, my church, my comfort, and move it all out to Southwest,KS. The location doesn't so much bother me, it's what I'm leaving behind. Oh, and this little tidbit...my little classroom is going to be filled with 25, mostly Spanish speaking, challenging, just learning to read, little first graders...and I have to be ready for them in about 2 months. I don't think I have fully wrapped my mind around this situation.  It is complete craziness at it's finest..especially for a person with a spontaneous occurance phobia.

After my complete hysterical breakdown, I pulled it together and am trying to accept the situation.  Yes, we have been wanting to move back to the SW to raise our family, I just didn't think it would be in 6 weeks. Yes, I would like a full time teaching job, I just didn't think it would be 1st grade! Yes, I would like to have a little house and a yard, I just didn't think it would be with my inlaws at first. Having said all of this, I have definitely had my idea of what this move would look like, and how this situation should have played out...but apparently God had a different idea.

For the past, year or so, and specifically the past six months, Clinton and I have been praying about this potential move. As stated in previous blogs, I was constantly confused about God's leading. I was having difficulty discerning what His "will" was for our future. Today I wanted to share this from Francis Chan about God's will.  It was shortly after I read this, that things began to fall into place.

"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in this moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions. It is easy to use the phrase "God's will for my life" as an excuse for inaction or even disobeidence. It's much less demanding to think about God's will for your future than to ask Him what He wants you to to in the next ten mintues.  It's safer to commit to follwing Him someday instead of this day.  We are scared to make mistakes, so we fret over figuring out God's will. We wonder what living according to His will would actually look and feel like, and we are scared to find out. We forget that we were never promised a twenty-year plan of action; instead, God promises multiple times in Scripture to never leave or forsake us. God wants us to listen to His Spirit on a daily basis..."

Wow. I spent a lot of time thinking and questioning and talking about the right decision, and I neglected to just listen to the Spirit's leading right now.  I believe I did this out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of my inabilities, fear of being uncomfortable, fear that MY plan wasn't the right one.

I can honeslty say God has led to me this position.  It is bittersweet. I am excited, sad, and scared. However, I have a peace and an assurance that confirms my decision. This is not my ideal situation, I don't feel comfortable or capable. But, this is a moment, where I feel that I am doing exactly what God wants me to do, and I have to trust that He will supply what I lack. This will definitely be a year of learning and leaning on Him, for I will only survive through His strength.

I hope that if you are struggling with constantly "seeking" God's will, that you will find encouragement and truth in Francis'words. I pray that you will experience the peace that comes from listening to the Spirit's call.

It's not about the future..for that is not guaranteed....it's about right now.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Love.

Kaleo

Matthew 28:18-20(NIV)

¹⁸ Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age"

My sister-in law, Kayla, and her cousin, Taylor, are actively living out this verse.  As of right now, they are spending their summer in Florida with a ministry called Kaleo.  Kaleo's mission is to bring together college students from all over to spend a summer learning how to be and make disciples.  I don't know all of the details, but I do know that the students are split into groups. These groups live together all summer, get jobs in the local community, attend regular in-depth Bible studies, weekend conferences, group sessions, and training.  Every Sunday, the groups also are paired off to actively engage in face to face evangelism. This is where the students go out each Sunday into the community, the beach, the walkways, and engage people in a conversation about faith and Christianity. The ultimate goal is to preach the gospel, and change lives.

I had the privilege of talking with Kayla about her experiences thus far, and I wanted to share a little about our chat. Now, again, I don't have all the details, but I hope to get the main point across because it's pretty awesome.

During one of the beach evangelisms, Kayla and her partner began engaging a girl (we'll call her Sarah) in conversation about faith.  They use what's called the "bridge" approach, and if I try to explain it all, I will completely mess is up. But, it's Biblically based, and the students have training on how to approach people and get them talking and thinking about sin and grace. So anyways, Kayla and her partner talked for a while to Sarah about Christianity and sin. Sarah was selling icecream at the time, and Kayla was concerned that Sarah would get distracted, and eventually end the conversation.  However, come to find out, Kayla's partner had been praying the whole time that Sarah would stay focused, and that Holy Spirit would keep her engaged.

Well, it worked. At the end of their conversation, they asked her if she would like to accept Christ....and she said YES! Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! I just find this completely fascinating and amazing! Here these students put themselves out there, in probably an awkward and intimidating situation, and now look..the angels are rejoicing in Heaven over this found sheep..and the story gets better....

The girls prayed with Sarah, and she accepted Christ!  Sarah then expressed that she thought she worked with someone from Kaleo. And, sure enough, another girl from the group did work with her.  Later, when Kayla told this coworker what had happened, she freaked out. Apparently the Sarah had been extremely intimidating to this other Kaleo memeber, and she was overjoyed and in awe that she had accepted Christ.  The girls are now in the process of setting up a Bible study with this new sister in Christ.

Wow. So many things factor into the awesomeness of this story, and I know I don't do it justice. But, God used these willing hearts, gave them words, and strength to minister for Him. Not only did He lead them, but He had a support system for this girl already in place! How Amazing!

This whole idea/program is so amazing and wonderful to me, but also intimidating.  It's a scary thought to put myself out there and boldy approach citizens about their faith.  I, for one, don't even know how I would begin, and I wouldn't want to "inconvenience" anyone. However, Kayla's story shows that people are more willing to talk than you think, and that the Holy Spirit will always do His job. :) Not all of her envangelizing has been successful, but for the most part, she has found it easier than expected, and people are very open and willing to share and talk. And, not only are they beach evangelizing, but they are learning how to minister to in their job situations as well.

I am so impressed by the willingness of these young people to go and stretch themselves, to be used fully by God, and to grow in their relationship with Him.  It gives me hope for the future, and challenges me to want to dig deeper.  I hope today you were encouraged by this account, and that you will lift up the whole Kaleo experience, the students, the directors, and the community, that God will move in powerful ways in Panama City, Florida. The students will be there until the end of July, I believe. Can you imagine what God will do in that amount of time?! So exciting.

I hope today that we will all be challenged to live out those words "Go and make disciples." We don't have to be on the beaches of Florida, or put ourselves completely out of our element. We can disciple those we see everyday..a coworker, a neighbor, a friend. Today I take comfort and encouragment in seeing the Holy Spirit work, and I know that He alone can give us the strength to overcome our fears and bring glory to God if we will just listen and obey.

Silly Little Flock

In the past 24 hours, my summer job concerns have subsided. In fact, God has blessed me, once again, in this area. However, also in the past 24 hours, I am now faced with a new job dilema.  A few weeks ago, I applied for a 3rd grade teaching position in Dodge City. Clinton and I had decided that if the answer would determine the location of our lives for the next year.  The answer was no, and I thought it was settled.  However, yesterday I got a call from a principle out there for a 1st grade position that I didn't even apply for. He said he'd seen my application in the district, and that I had been recommended, and that he wanted to set up an interview. Wham.

Now what? First let me preface- after subbing for almost 2 years now, primary is NOT my area. But now, I have this opportunity pursuing me! What do I do!?  I find it SO difficult sometimes to discern what I'm supposed to do in serious situations like this! Come on God! Give me a sign! Am I limiting myself and God because first grade is not my "comfort zone," or is there a reason first grade is not my strength-because I don't need to be in it! AHHHHHH! Just when I think we've got it all figured out, my summer off to a good start, my church duities in full swing, and now this... sigh. My brain is on overdrive right now. 

I went to sleep last night, thinking, praying about it. I somehow knew I'd get a talking to in the morning. And this is what He said to me:

First, my one of my scripture readings was on the worry passage in Luke.
Luke 12:29-31
"And do not seek what you will eat, and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. For all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. But seek His kingdom, and all these things will be added to you. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen to gladly give you the kingdom."

And then in Jesus Calling:
"The peace that I give you transcends your intellect. When most of your mental energy goes into efforts to figure things our, you are unable to receive this glorious gift. I look into your mind and see thoughts spinnning round and round: going nowhere, accomplishing nothing. All the while, My Peace hovers over you, searching for a place to land .

And Lastly:
Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

I have to smile at the line in Luke "Do not be afraid little flock." I love the visual, and the reminder, that I still a little sheep, always being lead and protected by my shepherd, no need to worry. And then in Jesus Calling, a reminder of His peace. Boy did Sarah Young hit it on the head..my thoughts are spinning but getting me nowhere.  How I need to refocus on God's presence, and let His peace soothe my restless soul. And finally, the last one, the biggie for me.  When I first read it, I felt calm that He would help me figure out what to do. But, as I typed it, I read it differently "Do not fear this opportunity, I will help you."

God is so amazing. I'm so thankful that I know I can turn to His word for guidance and comfort. I still have a lot to think about, and my humaness is still battling within, but this morning I have truths to stand on and to remember. Stepping out in faith can be so scary, but today God reassured me that I have no reason to fear, for He is providing for this sheep, offering it peace, and holding her hand.

If you are facing decisions, difficulties, if you just need some encouragment this morning, then I pray His word would speak to you, and that you too will remember your Shepherds voice.

A Visit to Joplin

Thursday morning at 5:30 AM, my mother and I joined Mid America and other surrounding Nazarene churches to travel to Joplin. We met up with the Carthage Nazarene Church, in Missouri, before continuing our journey. With such short notice, the churches assumed we'd have 200 volunteers...we had over 600. Loaded down with rakes, chainsaws, wheelbarrows, and sack lunches, our school buses were chatty and raring to go. As we entered Joplin, everything looked normal, no sign of irregular damage.  But just as quickly as we passed through the "normal," a hush fell as sighs of shock escaped our mouths and faces.  We had entered the devestation zone. 

Words cannot even begin to pen what beheld our eyes. On one side, everything so perfect, on the other, total chaos.  As far as the eye could see, in either direction, there was utter destruction. Our job for the day was to do as much damage control as we could. But in the end, our feeble attempts were but a drop in the ocean of this undertaking.  We never got away from it, the mess. It was everywhere we turned. Even as we layed our heads down that night, the images burned bright.

They say that there are 156 people still unaccounted for in Joplin, MO (as of Saturday morning). They say that 132 people have been confirmed dead. They say they can't identify most of them.

They say this tornado is classified as an E-5, the deadlist tornado recorded since 1950, with winds up to 200 miles per hour. They say it was a "mulitvortex" tornado, meaning it had smaller tornados circulating within it.

They show pictures. They share stories.  They can't begin to do it justice, and neither can I.

Yesterday I sat for an hour typing about my experience, trying to capture the horror through flowery words and descriptive imagery. But, alas, I deleted it. It felt empty and pointless.  I tried to recount how we spent hours seperating tree limbs from debris, or how we helped a pastor sift through what remained of his belongings. I tried to capture what it felt like to hold a woman named Laurie as she clung to me and we wept.  I tried to tell of the hope we felt as we saw signs sprayed on houses "We're all ok" and yet the despair that followed as rescue dogs combed the leftovers.  But I couldn't get it right. Those memories, now etched in my heart will remain forever, unexplainable, untouchable, unbearable.

I wanted to bring this post around to something hopeful, to pull God inspiration from this devestation, and   before I went to bed last night, He reminded me of what I could share.

That morning, as we drove into Joplin, this is what He said to me through the Jesus Calling devotional:

"In a world of unrelenting changes, I am the One who never changes. I am the Alpha and the Omega, The First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. Find in Me the stability for which you have yearned.  I created a beautifully ordered world: one that reflected My perfection. Now, however, the world is under the bondage of sin and evil. Every person on the planet faces gaping jaws of uncertainty. The only antidote to this poisonous threat is drawing closer to Me. In My Presence, you can face uncertainty with perfect peace." (Scripture ref. Revelation 22:13, John 16:33)

We can't explain it, capture it, or understand it, but we can know that God is in the midst of it. May this be our prayer for Joplin as they start to rebuild. May we pray that they will know and be comforted by God's presence and that through all this uncertainty He will provide them with perfect peace.  So much devestation, so much loss, so much heartache, and not just in Joplin, all over the world.  May our hearts continue to lift up the hurting, and may we never take for granted all we hold so dear.

Among everything I learned, the most important was this- I truly can be the hands and feet of the living God, and so can you. In a hurting, dying world, the Bible says that we are to be Christ. If we have accpeted Him, He lives in us, and we reflect His glory. May we be more aware of the God we represent, the hope we can bring, and the love we can share.

To Him who is able to do immeasurably more be all glory and honor and praise.

Love.

Invisible Hug

My heart overflows yet again today. God is so good isn't He? Just when you least expect Him to reveal
Himself, He does so in such tender ways.  In light of my previous blog (about trust), the humaness in me is still struggling with decision making. This may sound strange, but I can think of no better way to explain what I felt today. There are times when God reveals himself to me, and I feel like He has reached down from heaven and given me a good tight squeeze...an invisible hug.  What comfort and warmth flood my soul when I feel God's presence so near, when I feel Him hold me tight and reassure my doubts. And oh how I felt that hug this morning.

May you read these words and be encouraged.

Micah 7:7

"But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation.
My God will hear me."

What power, what beauty in these words! He is my God! He is my salvation! He has promised to hear me, and I will be faithful to watch with expectant eyes and open heart. Thank you God for your reassuring words of comfort this morning. Help me to trust and lean on You. Thank you for your saving grace and your unfailing love for this small speck of dust. To You be all praise and glory. Amen.

If you find yourself in need of direction this morning, if you are lost and confused, if you just need a spiritual hug, I pray that you would find comfort in these words. Hear the Lord speak to you this morning and rest assured that He does listen, and He will move. Love.

Sad, Gloomy Day

It is a gloomy day here.  The rain is softly trickling down, the sky is grey, and the wind is rustling the trees.  Just as the clouds hang heavy in the sky, so my heart hangs heavy in my chest. This morning I read a sorrowful message from my sister. She just found out that one of her childhood friends was diagnosed with cancer. This boy is only 23 years old, he is a father, a husband, a son.  So much life, and yet he must now cling to it by a thread as the cancer eats away.  What a tragedy. How do you even begin to pray in a situtation like this? I barely know him, how will my prayers be effective?  And yet in these moments I feel so close. II pray for healing, for comfort, for financial security, for his family. What more can I do, but trust that God knows and can work in any circumstance? My hope is that through all of this God will be glorified. My hope is that somehow he will know how loved he is, and that people are lifting him up to the Great Physician. How tragic that everyday people die without the peace of Jesus.

Today this got me thinking about how short life is. He is an example that no one is immune to sickness and death. Age doesn't matter, social status doesn't matter, your role doesn't matter, eventually we will all perish. This is very serious business.  My soul is desperately distraught for so many who  need to know the love of Christ. We have but a short time on this earth, and we need to make the most of it. Not by bungee jumping, or traveling across the world, or fulling crazy dreams, (those are all well and good) but by being the hands and feet of Christ. We need to be ready for that day when He calls us home.  We need to know that our home is secure in Him.  I so fear for my generation, and for so many countless others.

Matthew 24:44 ⁴⁴ So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

Whether Christ returns while we are still living, or whether we meet him with our dying breath, we cannot predict this encounter. Therefore, it is so important that we are ready, that our friends are ready, that our family is ready, that our coworkers, and aquaintances are ready!

This is a gloomy day. The rain still softly trickles down, the sky still grey, and the wind continues rustling the trees. And though my heart is troubled, I find something so beautiful, something so calming in the hush of this storm.  My soul is at rest for I know my Creator. He has called me by name. I am His. Whether I breath my last tomorrow or I meet Him in His glorious return, I rest assured that through the rain comes life, and I have that life abundantly. I pray that I will never forget to share that life, and that you too will live that life so free.

Love.

Lord, This is What I Think...

Hello friends! The blog site was down for awhile, and frankly, I just haven't been taking the time to post something.  After the slew of posts during Easter, I just haven't known what to post.  But, today, I read some good stuff, and I'm excited to share.

My life has been a bit confusing lately. Over the past few months, I have beem trying to seek God's wisdom and guidance for Clinton and I's future.  I've often found myself saying "God if you would just put a sign right in front my face, that would be super helpful." But He doesn't work like that does He? No, instead, we are trying to piece together the results of job opportunities, month to month baby anticipation, and church involvement opportunities/obligations. We are torn between two worlds, and we are wrestling with our own feelings and doubts. 

I am finding it very difficult to discern what God is calling us to do with our lives right now.  I definitely have my own opinions about how our lives should go, and I find myself letting Him know all the time.  Do you ever do that? Give God advice about what you think should happen? I don't only do it in my personal prayers, but even more so in my prayers for others.  "Oh Lord, if you would just do this! Or I'm pretty sure that if that would happen, then this would be the result. Why can't you just see that my way makes sense?!" Today I ready something refreshing, and it put me in my place.

Romans 11:34-36
³⁴ For who can know the Lord’s thoughts?
      Who knows enough to give him advice?^[a]
 35 And who has given him so much
      that he needs to pay it back?^[b]
 36 For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen.

Wow. Who am I to give the Creator advice?  Have I given "so much" of myself that I feel entitled to a reward? Ha! I hope I never feel that way, for I know I can never do enough to deserve anything that God gives me! Today I needed to be reminded about the awesomeness of God. I can only hope and pray that His Spirit will guide me, will give me discernment, and wisdom.  His ways are higher than mine, and I am in no position to offer Him advice. Ultimately, He knows our hearts, and He knows just what we need. 

Today I needed to step back, shut my trap, and just let Him lead. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that God has already taken care of us thus far, and His plan is always sweeter than mine. 

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His word,
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know thus sayeth the Lord

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus,
Oh for grace to trust Him more.

Amen! May this be our prayer and our song. Love.

Mommy Market

Disclaimer: I understand that in this fallen world we live in, not everyone is blessed with a wonderful mother.  This is for those who have good moms, for those that are moms, and for those that have mother figures in their lives.  If you've never experienced the love of a mother, my heart breaks for you, and I pray that you will experience that love through Christ.

Growing up, my siblings and I used to watch a movie called "Mommy Market." I only remember bits and pieces, but the gist was the main characters decided they didn't want their own mom anymore, they needed a new one. So, they get to magically go to the "Mommy Market" where every type of mother is on display.  Each child (there were 3) got to pick a new mom to try out with their family dynamic.  The only mom I remember them trying out was in the circus, but there were mothers of all occupations and likings.  We always thought this movie was so cool...a whole warehouse full of any kind of mom you wanted..ones that wouldn't make you do chores, or yell at you..ones that gave you anything you every wanted...etc. I mean what kid wouldn't like to try a new mom on the right day? (ha what mom wouldn't give to have a "kid market" on the right day as well) In the end, the children realize that even though all of these moms are really cool, they just don't fit.  The "new" moms turn out disasterous because they aren't "their mom."  Isn't that what Mother's day is all about? Realizing and appreciating the woman in your life that is YOUR mom?

My mom may not run a circus (Thank God) and she's certainly whipped my butt a few times (well deserved I'm sure) and I have heard the word "no" plenty, but I wouldn't trade her in for anything...she just...fits.  There's something so tender and comforting about the word "mom" for me. It pierces to the heart of my soul and conjures up a well of emotion and feeling. One of my deepest desires is to be a mom because I've had such a good one.

I wanted to write something so beautiful today about moms, and what they mean, and how much I appreciate mine, and my mother-in-law (yah I got blessed with 2 great moms!) but how do you put down into words just what they mean to you?  How can you bottle up all the years of wiped noses, tears, laundry, meals, laughter, and lessons and do justice to the magnitude of your gratefulness? Sure, we try every year through cards and gifts, but I have yet to think of a way to manifest this deep feeling of admiration and love and physically allow her to feel it..to know what I truly feel. 

So as I was thinking about moms, and just how special they truly are, I thought about none other than the love of Christ. My heart is welling within as I type these thoughts. 
A mother's love begins before you enter the world. It starts before you even have a heartbeat.
A mother's love pours itself out for her children.
A mother's love wants only the best for her children, even if it means disciplining them sometimes. 
A mother is the picture of a servant..giving herself, her time, for her family.
A mother's love knows just what their child needs and just how to help.
A mother's love comforts, soothes, and teaches her child. 
A mother's love rejoices, laughs, and experiences life with their child. 
A mother's love forgives..reaching to thier child no matter what they have done, no matter who they are, and no matter how little love they get in return.
A mother's love offers grace.

What is a mother's love like? None other than the deepest, widest, longest, highest, unconditional love of Christ.  What a beautiful gift from God these mothers of ours. What an amazing reminder of His love for us. I can't help but weep tears of joy and thankfulness as I reflect on this wonderful thought.  Even in a dark and fallen world, Christ's light and love shines brightly whether we chose to believe in Him or not. The truth is Christ is right in front of us..taking care of us..crying with us..teaching us..and loving us..all in the form of that beautiful, amazing woman we call...mom.

Thank you to all the mother's and women who serve as mothers, for your love and your grace and your servant hearts. You'll never know the impact you truly have.  Have a beautiful, joyous, Mother's Day. 

Today it's finally all about you. :)

Love.

Control Freak

I am a checklist person. I either physically make checklists, or I am mentally making checklists.  My brain is constantly organizing and reorganizing my schedule to figure out the most efficient way to get the most out of my day. I hate wasting time...there's too much to do to just sit around.  Albiet, in the evenings I can relax with Clinton, but this is about the only time I let my brain and body just zone out. But, even then I'm already thinking about what else needs to be done, and about the next day's agenda.  On one hand, I am thankful for this ability because it can be very beneficial. On the other hand, it can be completely exhausting.  And this is where I find myself today.

 I have a half-day job this afternoon, and plans for this evening, so I have been spending my morning trying to find the "perfect" mental schedule of my day.  However, first on the list is devotional time.  I sometimes find myself marking off the other items on my  "to do" list  first, just to push off devotions/prayer time, because that time requires me to be inactive. I also think "if I just get this one thing done, then I'll have time to spend in devotions." Funny how that checklist never seems to be "done".  It is also very difficult for me to concentrate sometimes while I"m reading the Bible or praying, because I am constantly thinking about what I could be accomplishing.  I hate this..this is where it becomes exhausting because then I feel like a selfish, half-hearted Chrisitan, just putting my time in.  Lately, I've been in a bit of a funk, just battling my schedule and my God time. 

I read this today:

"There is a better way to find security in this life. Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you.  This continual contact with Me will keep you in my Peace. Moreover, I will help you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now, and what does not. Fix your eyes not on what is seen (your circumstances) but on what is unseen (My Presences)" Jesus Calling
Verses Referenced: Isaiah 26:3 and 2 Corinthians 4:18

Hello, Courtney! I ultimately know, from experience, that when I surrender my time and my thoughts fully to God, I end up being refreshed, re-filled, and actually accomplishing more than I intended. Why is it that surrendering is so difficult for us!? I know that surrender is the answer to my exhausted state, because when I surrender, His peace and calm always follow. Yet, I constantly battle this.  If your like me, a checklist, "to do" kinda person, then I pray today you would find just what you need in those words.  I know I need to block out my schedule for a few moments and just pray.  Pray that my mind will focus on Him, pray that my thoughts will become His, and pray that throughout my day HE will direct my checklist.  I already feel a little better :).  He is so good isn't He? 

Thank you Lord for your peace that surpasses understanding, and for helping me to see you instead of my circumstance. I am so thankful that I don't have to be in control all the time, please help me to remember that and to release it all to You!

Just Breathe

Easter is over, the eggs have been found, the candy is still being eaten, and our rejoicing has lulled.  Every year we enter into this season, journey through lent, relive the crucifixtion,celebrate the ressurection, and then we go on. We go on like we do any other holiday. We tuck our decorations and our anticipation away until the next one comes along, and return to our daily routines.  Well, I've just got to say, people, the resurrection doesn't stop on Easter..it's just the beginning!  Christ's death on the cross and resurrection made it possible for us to live free from sin and death..to have new life. 

After Jesus rose from the dead, He appeared to his disciples, and stayed on earth for forty more days!  During this time, He tried to prepare his disciples for what was to come, and He commissioned them to go into all the world preaching this good news.  Just as the disciples were summoned, so are we!  Our ressurection story doesn't end on Easter, it continues every day of our lives. We are to embrace our new freedom and share it with others. 

I am so excited about this period of time leading up to Pentecost. The Ashes to Fire Bible study that I've been doing throughout the Lent/Easter season continues on up to Pentecost, and I am excited to learn more about what Jesus and His disciples did after He came back to life. I want to really dig into what He wanted us to learn from his return. God is already revealing new thoughts and scripture to me. I wanted to share a piece from what we talked about on Saturday.

After Jesus returned he appeared to his disciples in their hideout. While He stood among them, he said "Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you." When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them "Receive the Holy Spirit." John 20:21-23 He goes on, but I want to stop here for today.  I LOVE this passage.  Jesus breathed on them and they recieved the Holy Spirit.  Sound familiar? When else did God breathe on someone? 

Genesis.

Genesis 2:7 "⁷ Then the LORD God formed a man^[d] from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. "

In the beginning, God breathed his OWN breath into Adam, and he came to life.  Hundreds of years later, God breathed his OWN breath onto the disciples that they might receive...LIFE!  I just find this so exciting.  What an amazing thing for Jesus to do! What a beautiful way for God to bestow this new life..the power of the resurrection.  When we become Chrisitans, our old life is forgiven, dead, gone, and we get a new start, a new life, a new heart, we get to be born again.  Just as Christ confirmed this new life by breathing the Holy Spirit onto these disciples, we too receive this breath of life. 

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have recieved that new life. I can feel it. I have felt that breath revive my soul. I have felt that breath take broken, hollow, bitter, selfish holes and fill them with love, and with peace, and with life. New life..abundant life.  Paul puts it so beautifully:

Galatians 2:20

²⁰ I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Hallelujah! I'm so thankful that all I have to do to remember who I am is just breathe.