Spontaneous Occurance Phobia

Over the past week my life has changed dramatically. Actually, it all took place in less than 24 hours. On Wednesday at 3:00PM, I went in for an interview and by Thursday at noon, I had a signed contract with Sunnyside Elementary in Dodge City. On Wednesday evening, I recieved a phone call from the principle hinting that I may have secured the job. My reaction?  Uncontrollable sobbing... head in the pillow...tears and snot streaming down my face..and screaming "Why! I KNEW you would do this to me God!" In that moment, all of my fears about the near future had come true. In 6 weeks I am now going to leave my family, my home, my little walking park, my church, my comfort, and move it all out to Southwest,KS. The location doesn't so much bother me, it's what I'm leaving behind. Oh, and this little tidbit...my little classroom is going to be filled with 25, mostly Spanish speaking, challenging, just learning to read, little first graders...and I have to be ready for them in about 2 months. I don't think I have fully wrapped my mind around this situation.  It is complete craziness at it's finest..especially for a person with a spontaneous occurance phobia.

After my complete hysterical breakdown, I pulled it together and am trying to accept the situation.  Yes, we have been wanting to move back to the SW to raise our family, I just didn't think it would be in 6 weeks. Yes, I would like a full time teaching job, I just didn't think it would be 1st grade! Yes, I would like to have a little house and a yard, I just didn't think it would be with my inlaws at first. Having said all of this, I have definitely had my idea of what this move would look like, and how this situation should have played out...but apparently God had a different idea.

For the past, year or so, and specifically the past six months, Clinton and I have been praying about this potential move. As stated in previous blogs, I was constantly confused about God's leading. I was having difficulty discerning what His "will" was for our future. Today I wanted to share this from Francis Chan about God's will.  It was shortly after I read this, that things began to fall into place.

"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in this moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions. It is easy to use the phrase "God's will for my life" as an excuse for inaction or even disobeidence. It's much less demanding to think about God's will for your future than to ask Him what He wants you to to in the next ten mintues.  It's safer to commit to follwing Him someday instead of this day.  We are scared to make mistakes, so we fret over figuring out God's will. We wonder what living according to His will would actually look and feel like, and we are scared to find out. We forget that we were never promised a twenty-year plan of action; instead, God promises multiple times in Scripture to never leave or forsake us. God wants us to listen to His Spirit on a daily basis..."

Wow. I spent a lot of time thinking and questioning and talking about the right decision, and I neglected to just listen to the Spirit's leading right now.  I believe I did this out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of my inabilities, fear of being uncomfortable, fear that MY plan wasn't the right one.

I can honeslty say God has led to me this position.  It is bittersweet. I am excited, sad, and scared. However, I have a peace and an assurance that confirms my decision. This is not my ideal situation, I don't feel comfortable or capable. But, this is a moment, where I feel that I am doing exactly what God wants me to do, and I have to trust that He will supply what I lack. This will definitely be a year of learning and leaning on Him, for I will only survive through His strength.

I hope that if you are struggling with constantly "seeking" God's will, that you will find encouragement and truth in Francis'words. I pray that you will experience the peace that comes from listening to the Spirit's call.

It's not about the future..for that is not guaranteed....it's about right now.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Love.