The Grief Anticipation Virus

I struggle with doubt.  Not the kind of doubt that God is unable to perform miracles, but the kind of doubt that wishpers "He can, but He won't." I often feel like the father who cried out to Jesus "Help my unbelief!" Secretly hoping that this will blanket my impending doubt that God will act.  How silly of me to think that I can hide my feelings from the one who created them in the first place!

I know why I struggle with doubt.  I have fallen on my face, bled my heart out before God, begging him to heal my brother...and no answer comes.  I have fallen on my face in deserpation for a child, to only have that gift be snatched away.  I have countlessly cried out to our maker for family members to be restored, for relationships to be mended, for the healing of many...and yet I often feel like my prayers fall on deaf ears.  Maybe not so much deaf ears, but ears that continually answer "no." I think, if I pray enough, if I do devotions enough... if I ....enough... or maybe it's me..something is wrong with me..my past..my selfishness...and so God won't answer.

I recently had coffee with a friend and she metioned struggling with living in a state of "grief anticipation." Maybe that is the name for my current condition.  Just as Pavlov's dogs were conditioned to salivate at the sound of a bell, I too have become conditioned in my own way- to anticipate disappointment. 

I anticiapte disappointment to the point that I find myself unable to truly experience real joy when it comes along.  For weeks I have been haboring exciting news... almost a year after losing our baby, I can happily proclaim that I am almost 15weeks pregnant!  I have been waiting for the right moment to share the extreme elation I had over this answer to prayer, and yet I just never felt the moment would come.  I have been much more reserved this time around, so much so, that I almost wanted to keep it a secret until it was too obvious to hide.  If I revealed this precious treasure...I would wake up and it would be gone.  Even now, after successfully making it through the first trimester,  I still cling to the hope of that next appointment..that next evidence that yes..baby is real. 

I know I have a problem, and I'm mentally exhausted from living in this bondage.  I recently read an insightful section of Brenan Mannings "The Ragamuffin Gospel" that I would like to share. 

^{In Matthew 18:2-4 Jesus is among his disciples and ...
2} He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Manning goes on to say:
"The child is unself-concious, incapable of pretense. The child doesn't have to struggle to get himself in a good position for having a relationship with God; he doesn't have to craft ingenious ways of explaining his position to Jesus; he doesn't have to create a pretty face for himself; he doesn't have to acheive any state of spiritual feeling or intellectual understanding. All he has to do is happily accept the cookies: the gift of the kingdom. When Jesus tells us to become like little children, He is inviting us to forget what lies behind.  Whatever we have done in the past, be it good or evil, great of small, is irrelevant to our stance before God today. It is only now that we are in the presence of God.
   For the disciple of Jesus, "becoming like a little child" means the willingness to accept onself as being of little account and to be regarded as unimportant." Jesus was well aware of the child's "feelings of shame and inferiority, and because of His compassion they were, in His eyes, of extraordinarily great value. As far as He was concerned, they had nothing to fear. The kingdom was theirs. "There is no need to be afraid little flock, for it has pleased the father to give you the kingdom (Luke 12:32)."

A child accepts a gift without question.  A child rejoices in a gift, because it was freely given to be enjoyed.  Too often we allow our past hurts, mistakes, and adult pretenses to cloud our vision and relationship with the Father.  We put up walls and allow the times of disappointment to rule our trust..our faith. Maybe we reguard ourselves as too important, like the disciples.. "I'm entitled to have this answered! I'm more important than a child, I'm an adult!" Or maybe we don't realize just how truly valued we really are.

If I really reflect on this past year, God has answered prayer, and He has been so faithful and good.  So why do I find myself guarding my heart...just in case?  This is a new year, a new start.  This year I want to be like a child.  I want to leave the past behind and embrace the joys God has set before me.  I have already inherited a kingdom.  I need to start enjoying this gift.  Will there be disappointments along the way? Unanswered prayer?  Of course. Ultimately, I need to get it in my head that God LOVES me, and only has my best interests in mind, as painful as they may be somtimes.  It's all about perspective...and this year, I want mine to be that of the most treasured gift on earth...a child.

P.S... Did I mention that I'm going to be a mommy?!! Oh the joys that await this heart of mine! Praise be to God!